If You Want It

Rachel LaRocca

“This guy’s ridiculous. I hate these profs who are determined to ignore the fact that it’s the biggest weekend of the year. Like who is really going to study?” Jace punctuated his words with enthusiastic gestures.

Ian nodded in agreement as he and some friends traipsed from class on Friday afternoon, picking their way between the inevitable puddles of mud season. There were already plans in the works for some long nights as spring fever took its hold.

“Hey, Ian.”

Ian inwardly groaned as he turned toward his girlfriend’s sweet voice, quickly scanning the crowd he was with. Four girls and two guys. Shit.

“Hey, Laura! How was class?”

He tried to press the crease in her brow from his mind as she stopped a few feet behind him, her arms crossed over books defensively. Maybe if he pretended not to notice she would let it slide.

“Fine,” she said.

Ian watched as the wind played her hair seductively. She ignored it, continuing to glare. Ian was not going to escape this one. With one last fervent attempt, he forced another smile.

“Want to join us for lunch? We’re heading to Robo’s Café.”

He pointed to his friends, now laughing many yards ahead of them. Her eyes flashed angrily as they landed on the other girls, but Ian held his stance firmly. “C’mon. It will be fun.”

He slowed his steps, and tossing his arms over Laura’s shoulders, guided her toward the others. For a moment, her eyes dropped to the ground and Ian thought he had actually convinced her. A laugh of relief pressed his lips, but before it could bubble out, Laura snapped her head up in defiance. Shit. Again.

“I actually was hoping we could talk.”

Her tone had resumed the melody of innocence. Ian knew her words too well. They screamed at him for ignoring her, for putting others first. Her eyes mastered the role of victim and her mouth played every syllable.

“But it’s okay, we can always do that later.”

Her voice fell, but she maintained a piercing eye contact with Ian, begging him to defy her. There was nothing he could do. She had trapped him and sunk her teeth into his very existence with her master manipulations. His mind was screaming at him for being a softy, but he dropped his arm from her shoulder and trotted toward the rest of the group.

“Hey guys, I think I’m actually going to eat lunch with Laura. Have fun and I’ll see you tonight.” Suzanne turned and looked at him quizzically. She knew the deal too well.

Ian’s best friend, Jace, flashed him a scowl. “Whatever.”

Jace ignored any response from Ian and turned back to the others. Ian was left to wait for a beaming Laura to catch up. There was no gratitude or happiness in her voice as she talked, simply a respect for Ian’s compliance to his obligation. He shouldn’t have caved to her. Not again.

“Let’s go.” He took her hand and dragged her across the quad.

“But there were so many girls,” Laura whined. Ian was quickly losing his patience. They had been over the same conversation at least a dozen times in the course of the past half hour. The steady crowd sliding past their table had long since dispersed. Ian leaned over the scarred green table, wringing his fists in continuous circles.

“Laura, give it up. It meant nothing. One of those girls was Suzanne and you know she’s one of my best friends. We’ve already gone over this. The girl Jace likes was with us because we were trying to get her to hang out tonight. Obviously I wouldn’t want anything with her. We were just talking and getting lunch. It means nothing.”

Ian slid down into his seat, fiddling with his jacket zipper. Part of him was wondering why he bothered to defend himself. If Laura couldn’t trust him, then that was her problem.

Waiting for the usual outburst about how pretty and flirty the girls were, he looked up to see a tear snaking down Laura’s check. Shit. Instinctively, he reached across the table and took her hand. “Laura, honey, what’s wrong? I’m not cheating on you. I promise.”

She sobbed and looked up at him. “I know.”

Ian sighed, but Laura wasn’t finished. “It’s just that . . . just that since my mom left us, I’m always afraid that people I love will find something better and just leave. You know.”

The tears poured down her face now and she frantically wiped at her mascara. Ian rose from his bench and slid into the seat behind her, curling her into his arms. He had heard the story many times before, but he couldn’t help that it always made him want to hold onto her forever.

“It’s okay, Laura. I know. But just because I have other friends doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you. And I’ve told you. I would never leave someone I love without an explanation. If things change, they change. But it won’t change loving and caring about you.”

Her head dropped onto his shoulder and he knew she was through fighting him, at least for the time being. Sighing with relief, he stroked her hair.

He had fallen in love with her on their first date and from that point, every defense was lost. It wasn’t her absolutely gorgeous smile that had first attracted him while he watched her give a class presentation on the Millennium Development Goals of the World Bank, although he had to admit, it was a perk. What he really loved about Laura was how smart she was, how much she knew about the world, yet how determined she was to fix it all. And she wasn’t afraid to start with the little things right where she was. Like the time just last weekend.

“Can I come over later this afternoon?” It was standard for Laura to visit Ian every Saturday afternoon, spending hours with him while they tackled their homework.

“You can, but Jace is really sick and crashed here, so I imagine you don’t want to. I don’t really want you to come because the last thing you need is to get sick yourself.” Ian felt bad for turning down her request, but Laura hadn’t seemed to mind in the least.

Three hours later, Ian heard a gentle knock at the door. Crossing the room, he opened it to find a beaming Laura, balancing a bowl gingerly in one hand and a pharmacy bag in the other.

“I don’t have to come in, but I brought Jace some stuff so he can feel better.” She thrust the bag into Ian’s hands as he stared at her, stunned. “And here’s some soup.”

Ian caught a laugh tugging at Laura’s lips, but there wasn’t much he could say. He was still shocked that she had done so much for his best friend.

“I’m out. Tell Jace I hope he feels better.” She turned to leave.

“Wait!” Ian grasped her shoulder and spun her around.

“You . . . are . . . amazing.” He managed between kissing her cheek, forehead, and lastly the lips that finally erupted in laughter.

“It wasn’t that much,” she managed.

Jace and Ian walked to Suzanne’s dorm before the parties that night. Jace kept up his usual opinionated babble as they climbed the grassy hill to the front door of the dorm. “I don’t get her. Or you. I mean, what’s your problem, sticking by her when all she does is use you? She can be sweet and all, but seriously, Ian. Get a hold on her. Either tell her what you want or ditch her.”

“Yeah, but it’s not that simple.”

“Don’t tell me it’s not that simple. She’s giving you crap about her mom leaving. But that’s not an excuse to treat you like crap.”

Jace reached up to knock on the door just as Suzanne opened it. She swung the door open, spreading her arms for a hug. “There you guys are. And looking so happy.”

Shoving her hands in her pockets, she moved from the doorway. She asked Jace, “What’s up with him?”

Jace rolled his eyes. “Laura. What else?”

“Oh.” Suzanne sighed. “Let me just get my jacket.”

Ian slumped on the couch while Suzanne went into the bedroom, fluffing her hair with her fingers. Jace spun in Suzanne’s office chair, scattering random papers in his wake, as they waited. He started to say something, but Ian punched the couch, stopping his train of thought. “Damn it!”

Suzanne appeared in the doorway holding her hairbrush and looking worried.

“I’m not going to dump her just because she’s paranoid because her mom left her. That’s not fair. Have some compassion, guys.”

Ian sighed and settled back into the couch, a scowl creasing his eyebrows. Shooting a quizzical look at Jace, Suzanne walked up behind him and tossed her brush onto the desk. Gently, she placed her hand on his shoulder. “What’s going on, Ian?”

Ian knew when Suzanne spoke like that it was all concern. He and Suzanne had been friends for years and he had often been the subject of her concern. There was a doubt in his mind whether or not she would understand the way he felt about Laura. While he hated what she did to him, she was Laura and he loved her. He wasn’t sure a girl would see it quite so black and white.

“You wouldn’t get it,”

“Try me.” Suzanne stood firmly in place.

Ian could see Jace trying to appear uninterested as a smile tugged at his cheeks. No, he wasn’t going to talk. Really, he didn’t need anyone else to tell him what to do. They didn’t love Laura. He crossed his arms and slid from under Suzanne’s hand. “No.”

Suzanne shot a look at Jace. “Fine. Your choice. But maybe you should talk to Laura’s brother. He doesn’t seem to be having issues with his mom.”

There was no sarcasm in her voice, only the note of realism that often was worse. Ian chose to ignore her. Jace piped in his two cents. “Know what I think? I think we need to get to that party.”

With determination, he strode out the door. Suzanne rolled her eyes and followed, dragging Ian by his arm. Ian pushed Laura to the back of his mind while walking to the party. He was determined to have fun. Laura was spending the night at another party with her friends, so there was no need for him to worry.

Resolutely, Ian pushed into the house, trailed by Suzanne and Jace. He yelled above the din, “C’mon, guys,” and disappeared into the crowd.

By midnight, Jace was on his way to being seriously intoxicated and his female interest had yet to show.

“I’m bringing him home,” Suzanne yelled, punctuating her words with crude sign language to get her point across over the noise.

Ian gave her the ‘okay’ sign and worked his way through the crowd to some other friends. Part of him hoped Suzanne didn’t come back because he knew she really wanted that time alone with Jace. Then again, it probably wouldn’t be for the best considering the amount of alcohol Jace was likely to vomit up later that night. He chuckled to himself and jumped on the back of his roommate, startling the group into laughter.

Later that night, Ian plopped himself on to a bed, his feet aching from many hours of dancing. He was enthralled. Across the room, was Laura’s brother, built like every guy wishes he was built, tall and broad-shouldered with a mop of Laura’s golden hair on his beaming face. Ian stared at the girl with him. She was beautiful in a simple sort of way, but even more intriguing to Ian was how happy she was. The girl never stopped smiling, laughed genuinely and often, and repeatedly flashed Laura’s brother looks of some sort of intense love. Ian could almost feel the affection between them from his spot across the room. But it didn’t make sense. Why didn’t he control her and drag her around and through the mud like Laura had done? Why was he so happy where Laura was so mad at the world?

“Hey, stranger.” Suzanne had returned from Jace’s and slid next to Ian, a glass in her hand. “What’cha staring at?”

“Them,” Ian pointed, his mind still befuddled. Suzanne scanned the crowd until she caught them. “Oh. Zach, right? Yeah, that’s his fiancée, Annabelle. They’re quite the pair.”

She hated gossip but seemed to know everything anyway. Ian said, “Fiancée, huh?”

The gears were still cranking in Ian’s head as he tried to put everything together. Zach grabbed Annabelle’s hand and they snuck through the crowd, laughing and kissing. They had dated for a long time, Ian knew that, but they looked liked they had never had a fight in their lives. They even walked as if they had only just met. Suzanne leaned toward Ian as she snuck off the bench.

“Go talk to him. Uh . . . I’m out.”

“Wait, wha . . . ” The words never came. Before he knew what happened, Suzanne was gone and Laura was wrapping him in her bare arms.

“Hey, you,” she whispered as she kissed him lightly.

Ian couldn’t register what was happening. Laura was supposed to be elsewhere with her friends, but they were nowhere to be seen and she was definitely next to him, milking his love for all it was worth. Mustering as much calm as he could, Ian smacked his “Laura smile” on his face and hugged her back.

“Why are you here, sweetheart?” His tone dripped with fake happiness, but Laura was clueless.

“I thought I’d rescue you from these people.” She winked and continued to play with his ear. “I know how boring these things can get.”

Ian felt himself slipping into her hold, loving that she thought about him as much as he thought of her.

“But I wasn’t bored. I don’t need you to rescue me because I’m actually having fun.” The words slipped out before Ian could process anything. These were his friends, but Laura had meant well.

“Don’t kid around with me, Ian. I know how awful it is and I thought I’d take you away to my room. The girls are so wasted, they didn’t know I left and you can tell your friends I took you away. It’s what they think anyway. So, come, the room’s empty.”

She stood and started tugging on his hands. Ian had no idea what to do. This was his night and he didn’t want her messing with it. He fumbled with words, hoping Suzanne might come by and scare Laura away. He didn’t care what Laura thought about Suzanne and him, as long as she left. But Suzanne didn’t come to save him this time.

“Ian, what are you doing? I’m taking you away. Let’s go.” She tugged at him until he rose to his feet. The sticky tone returned, “We’ll have fun.”

“No.”

“What?” Her face registered a deep shock.

“I said ‘no’. I want to stay here.” Ian made to walk away, but was stopped by her shriek.

“No? I plan a special night for us and you say ‘no’? That’s it? That’s how you leave me?”

Ian groaned and turned on his heel. “I’m not leaving you and it’s not a special night. We had that last weekend. Tonight, it’s me and my friends. This is our time to hang out. And if you can’t deal . . . ”

Ian’s words trailed as did his grit. He didn’t know where to go from there. If she couldn’t deal, then what? Would he dump her? Would he tell her to suck it up for him like he did for her everyday? Shit.

A huge hand clasped his shoulder. “Hey, Ian. I heard my lovely sister over here. Well, we all did, but I certainly know that voice well.”

Zach towered over Ian and playfully tweaked his sister’s cheek, one arm holding Annabelle.

“Oh no, you don’t.” Laura’s face reddened as she struggled to enunciate. “This isn’t a fight about dad. This is Ian and he’s nothing to you.”

She made to slap her brother, but he was faster and grabbed her wrist. Annabelle quietly slipped away with a knowing nod and a flash of concern.

“Actually, he’s a friend and I protect my friends.”

Zach released his grip and Laura’s hand slapped to her side. “What, and you just forget the fact that he’s abusing your sister? You’re just like mom. Leave me to fend for myself. Some help.”

“I’m protecting you by protecting him. You know you’re a jerk to him.” Zach’s words rang empty as Laura stormed away, a bauble of girls following her with their murmurs of false concern.

“Sorry, man.” Turning to Ian, Zach clapped him on the shoulder again. “She’s so messed up.”

He said it jokingly, but even Ian sensed the concern. “Yeah, and now she’s gone for good.”

Ian tried to digest what had just happened, but things weren’t falling into place. It seemed quite clear, yet he didn’t know what else he could have done.

“Well, maybe she is, but maybe that’s better. You’re way too good for what she does to you.”

Ian caught Zach’s glance. Somehow, he had communicated with Annabelle and Ian caught her leaving with a group of friends. He turned his attention back to Laura’s brother. This kid was weird. He had the perfect fiancée, yet he was busy keeping tabs on his little sister.

Wait, that meant he had been keeping tabs on Ian, too. “What do you mean? You’ve been watching us. You’re critiquing our relationship now, too. What is this? A game show?”

What right did this kid have to say anything about them?

“Naw, man. But I hear things and see things. I mean, I do go to school here, too. And I know what she says about you and I know how she cheats on you.” Zach paused. “Don’t give me that look, you know she cheats every time she goes home.”

He was matter of fact in his speech. “You’re crap to her and she’s everything to you. I know the deal, and that’s not right.”

Ian didn’t know if he wanted to punch the guy or take everything he said as holy truth. “She cheats?” was all he managed to squeak out.

“Yeah man, but don’t pretend you didn’t know. Let’s get out of here. People are staring.”

Zach started to leave, pushing his way through the crowds. Not sure what he was doing, Ian followed.

“You know, I really want to punch you right now. Just flat out on the floor.”

Instead, Ian punched the wall and then sank into Zach’s couch.

“I know.”

Ian found it funny that Zach didn’t sound conceited when he said that. Just like he knew the truth because he had been there. Zach said, “I once had a girlfriend sort of like Laura. In fact, I think I forgot how to live without a Laura, so I found someone else. But I don’t want to lecture you. That’s lame and I’m sure you know what the deal is.”

Zach flipped through the channels on the TV as he talked, a glass in his other hand. He laughed at a TV character and then clicked it off, tossing the remote onto a table. “So, want me to tell her off?”

They both laughed and Ian relaxed a little. “Actually, I was wondering. I don’t think I know what the deal is. With Annabelle at least. How’d you get so lucky?”

Ian hoped Zach was chill enough to answer the question. Zach laughed for a good minute and Ian started to worry.

“I laugh because I ask myself the same question. I made some mistakes, but I was never like Laura.” Zach laughed again. “Can you imagine a male Laura? Just think how many jail sentences . . . ”

Ian had to admit, it was a funny image, but he had also never thought of Zach as being different. Their mom had left both of them after all. Ian tried to think of the last time Laura had told him about her mom, but he couldn’t remember ever hearing a story. He had just put pieces together and formed his own image of a neglectful parent.

“So, what did happen to her?” He didn’t care about being blunt.

“Laura? Who knows. She’s just angry.” Zach seemed a little lost in his own thoughts. “Yeah, she’s always been angry. Especially at Mom.”

Ian snapped up at the mention of their mother. Zach spoke as if he knew their mom, but Laura never seemed to care or know that much. “I’ve noticed.”

“It never made sense. Laura had the choice of who to live with and she chose our dad. Most of the time, she refused to visit Mom because she was too busy with her friends. It never bothered her that our dad cheated on Mom, just that Mom moved too far away for her to have sleepovers and stuff with her school friends. Me, I was more mad at Dad, although now I can see why he may have wanted to cheat. It doesn’t make me happy, but sometimes I’ve thought about it, too.”

Ian interrupted Zach. “So, your mom left your dad because he cheated and Laura chose to live with your dad so she could see her friends?”

“Yeah. Me, I did about half and half. But Laura would rarely go to Mom’s because it was time away. I don’t see why she didn’t just make friends both places, but you know how middle school girls are.” He raised his eyebrows and laughed. “So weird. So, she never told you that? I bet she gave you the whole pity story about Mom leaving her.”

Ian blushed. He was so dumb for not seeing through it all. “Yeah, she did. And I believed it.”

“Good call, man. Otherwise, you’d have never had a chance.” Zach laughed again. “You know how she works. If you don’t agree, then you’re out.”

Ian couldn’t help it. He almost laughed at himself. Was he ever so dumb? “So, will she come back now that I know?”

“That’s the question. Maybe. If you force her to realize the truth.”

“So, basically tell her to cut the crap and forgive your mom?”

“Well, yeah. But if you tell her to, she never will. You have to make her want it.” Zach got up to let Annabelle in the front door. “Make her want you. But only if you want her back.”

“Make her want it and it’ll happen?” Ian was somewhat incredulous.

“Well, it’s a little harder than that, but yeah. If she wants it, you’ll have it. It’s one of those weird things. No one can make you move on until you want to.”